What the hell is love?
by unzulaenglichkeit
Summary: This is kind of a Mimato fic and you may not like what I write. Don't say you havn't been warned. I'm not sure about the genre and the rating language, death. Hope it is ok.


I don't own very much especially not Digimon or any of the characters in this fic so don't sue me.  
  
This is my first digimon fic. So please be nice and don't flame me. Not that I would care that much anymore.  
  
  
  
What the hell is love?  
  
The sun was slowly dying at the horizon and the last rays of sunshine were painting the bare rocks in the small valley below a crimson red. High above the bottom of the valley sitting on a rock near the edge a young boy was lost deep in his own thoughts. He was watching the sunset without really acknowledging it. The wind became stronger and the cold was slowly creeping under his black shirt. He was alone like so often but that didn't bother him. He actually enjoyed his solitude. It gave him the time he needed to think about how fuck up his world was. He noticed it years ago but obviously only a few people had figured out yet how bad things really were. A small sigh escaped his lips as he ran his right hand through his blond hair.  
  
How foolish can humans be? They have no faith in already proven facts but they truly believe that they can trust their feelings and follow their heart. Dear god! They don't even understand it so how can they be stupid enough to live their lives according to their feelings and emotions? No, I don't believe in things like destiny or love. Especially love. It's definitely the most stupid thing humans ever made up. What a joke! They need just a reason to get laid. Their bodies and brains make them feel something and that's it! They are in love or at least that's what they say. I wonder if they really believe what they say. Anyways, I can see the truth. It's just mere confusion. They don't understand what's going on so they follow the easy way out, which doesn't require thinking too much about it and just calling it "love". But how do you explain what love really is? Well, I know the answer already. Love cannot be explained. So they tell you that you have to experience it for your self to understand what love is. Don't give me that bullshit! Love isn't that special or wonderful that you can't explain it. The true reason is much easier to find. Love simply doesn't exist at all. That's it. As I said before, only fools believe in love and I am well aware that our planet is a madhouse. Not that I would care that much. What troubles me more is that I just play along. I pretend to be happy, to feel it too. But I'm just acting. I always thought that I'm a terrible actor and liar but lately I'm beginning to doubt that. In fact I'm that good that I'm beginning to fool myself. I have to doubt my own actions and feelings for I'm no longer sure what is real and what I just made up. There have even been times when I truly thought that I'm in love. I know that I wanted to give the idea of 'love' a chance but I really don't know if I have ever truly been in love. Sometimes when I hold her sleeping form in my arms, her back pressed against me, I feel absolutely happy and at peace. But it doesn't last. Every time I have to leave her behind my other self comes out again. The one, that only wants to be alone without anyone around. These different 'faces' might seem like day and night but they have one thing in common. They are weak. Too weak to face the problems instead of running away. Too weak to at least suppress the other one. Even to weak to end it all. It would solve all the problems and it would take just so little. But I'm lacking courage. Always have been. Just a little trace of courage and I wouldn't even be stuck in this situation right now. But, to be honest, I was curious back then. I really thought it might work out in the end. But now I'm no longer sure about that. In fact I really doubt it. God, I don't know what to do! I really care for her but I can never love her the way she wants me to. I've been hiding this fact pretty good for a very long time but I'm afraid she might be beginning to look through my lies. Lies I created for her own benefit and because of my own cowardice. I can't even tell her that I don't love her because it might be a lie too! I want to help her, to be there for her but how can I if I don't even understand my own feelings! I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to loose her friendship but I have to do something soon or otherwise my inner struggle is going to tear me apart.   
  
"Matt! Matt, where are you? Answer me!"  
  
Her voice always so full of sorrow and doubt. It pains me to know that mostly I am the reason for her pain. I should have kept out of her live, no everyone's lives, but I was yearning for human contact back then and I thought I might be able to help her too. I tried to offer comfort and failed miserably. I, of all people, should have known that contact always brings pain.   
  
"Matt! Please, come back!"  
  
He cringed at the sound of her pleading voice and turned his head slightly to look over his shoulder but returned his gaze immediately back to the upcoming stars in front of him.  
  
It's enough! I have made a decision. I'm not going to hurt her any longer. One last time and then she will be free again. Just like me.   
  
With that thought in mind the boy rose from his rock and walked to the edge of the cliff. The sun had gone down and the moon was already high up in the sky. He took one last look at world before him. Then he took one step back and sighed softly: "I'm sorry Mimi. I never meant to hurt you." Two forceful steps sent him flying over the edge. A single tear escaped his closed eyes and only the wind heard his last whispered words.  
  
"Ai shiteru."  
  
Then the sick sound of cracking bones and torn flesh could be heard. After that there was only the whispering wind and the distant cries of a young girl.  
  
  
  
Thanks to virus730 for pre-reading my fics! 


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